“Well first of all, they’re not romantic. It’s not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?”

Yeah, well. Gone are the days of dreaming that Kiefer Sutherland would hike it to Cleveland to feed me hacker takeout and teach me to race motorcycles. Apparently the next-up generation is more into, uh, womance? That or gobs of eye makeup. It’s nice to be able to share supplies with your brooding bloodsucking boytoy, know what I mean? Preteen girls’ fascination with the vampire myth = further proof what the common American girl REALLY wants is bisexual Eurotrash with structurally engineered hair. Whatever. I suppose I couldn’t single-handedly hold back the badness forever. Which sort of leaves open the obvious: Whatever happened to Team Fancypants? Team What-About-The-Football-Team? Team That’s-Not-Blood-You’re-Sucking? Tell me honestly: What WASN’T thrilling about watching the ostensible Ace Merrill and Jason Patric try to impale each other from behind? I have bad news, ladies, and it almost certainly concerns the boys liked by the boys you like.

Oh, a review? This is a movie soundtrack. There is music on it. What?

try: 1, 3, 5, 9
no FCCs

*1. at some later date it will come to light just how an entire music genre was seemingly crafted around the NIN cover of “get down make love”. black-fingernails dripping-sex tight-as-fuck goth/industrial synth rock. immediately catchy deep bass synth riff. 1/3 falsetto, 1/3 grim-grinning-ghosts harmonies, 1/3 high-larious vocoder. (it helps that it sounds like he’s snarling “whack-a-mole”.) it’s motherfucking muse. admit it: you rocked out.
2. and still more avril than amy lee. high pop-goth bellsy guitar riff... over jagged rudder guitar riff. for-the-oscar expansive vocals. is this really the future of girl rock?
*3. effectsy simon + garfunkel vocals and jumpy slinkster fingerpicking. violin. the far-and-away indie score here. somewhat analogous to... dear god, YEASAYER. actually pretty groovy, once it settles down and drums come in (give it 45 seconds).
4. kicks off with the nightmare before xmas keys riff... sorta. here’s a question: when the fuck did linkin park go EMO? this could be my fucking chemical romance. or... ugh, fall out boy. padded drums. lullaby verse melody. slower aggressive/sensitive moody rocker. i’m so violent! i’m so vulnerable! boys are so bizarre. this could be zee park’s “adam’s song”... with more “attitude” in the chorus.
*5. harsh start... and then a spring to action. rapid handclaps and great use of call-calls-as-melody. fast, fast, fast. as good as crossover AFI. few things are better than coming to the conclusion, thirty seconds into a song, that you sort of want to do a jackson howl. of the few: hearing the singer DO IT a minute later. this track is more fun than i’ve had all week. and i had noodles this week.
6. ~20 sec warmup. two words: perry farrell. heavy disco synth pop. backing chipmunky chick “la la” vox. unnervingly cutesy faux-sexy lyrics: “i’m gonna let you have it like you’ve never had before”, etc. weirdly reminiscent of ‘tonight’ by the big pink.
7. hell fucking na! who the FUCK thought to dig this up? collective soul at their most earnest, and most forgotten. track one off their mostly-dud record famous for birthing “heavy” (the all-your-weight-it-falls-on-me song). 90s alt rock. zooming electric guitars and poppy slider vocals. happy/fast. ~40 sec intro.
8. same band as #2. circular echoey fuzzy keys-like riff does not benefit from being, essentially, stolen from pinback’s ‘penelope’. hilariously, the in-the-title lyrics sound an awful lot like “i cut myself”. double hilariously, the in-context line is, “when i cut myself, i had to stop myself”.
*9. minimalist, haunting, effective. slow & scratchy exposed low-tone electric guitar. girlish female vox. vaguely similar to the xx. downtempo, lots of drum kit. shivery violin.
10. really loud midnight-on-the-cattle-ranch acoustic guitar. slow. mumbly sparse country vocals a la bonnie prince billy. i am led to believe that one of the, er... actors from this flick wrote this ditty?
11. minimalist sweet/pretty indie waltz. airy vocals. accordion & tambourine, then high-register piano. pass the dandelion wine.
12. the score. classical/orchestra/film score duh-huh. upfront plinky piano & strings.