We go into the bedroom and she’s wondering where all the furniture is. “Where’s the furniture?” she whines.
“I ate it. Just shut up, pop in a coil and lay down,” I mutter, pointing her toward the bathroom, and then, “I’ll give you some coke afterwards,” even though I don’t say what afterwards means, don’t even hint.
“What do you mean? A coil?”
“Yeah. You don’t want to get pregnant, do you? End up giving birth to something awful. A monster? Some kind of beast? You want that?” I ask. “Jesus, even your abortionist would freak out.”

Team Jacob all the way. Here, the vamp saga goes (ostensibly) indie. Which I guess means Death Cab wrote a song for it. The curious score here is a Thom Yorke solo cut (#3) -- really, Thom? Really? Guess where you can listen to this track, kids.

Muse are the superstars here, as they are on all the Twilight records. Well thank god, the poor kids needed a proper break. To think, first I heard of them was when I caught them on tour with The Cure, right after the Absolution drop. I think my lone sideline comment may have been, “God damn, these guys sound like what I have nightmares of Cats sounding like.” Who the fuck knew they would get this huge? They were fun as hell live, and god dammit, in spite of it all, they’re really, really good. Way better than their Hot Topic fanbase are aware, anyway. I honest-to-god think they mean to be this ridiculous. What hey, joke’s on us.

try: 10, 7, 1, 12
no FCCs

*1. death cab to death cab: how am i not myself? fuzz guitar, scattered drums, and vocals that sound a lot more nada surf than death cab. very fuzzy/swirly/shoegazey -- i’m used to death cab sounding a lot “cleaner” than this.
2. heavy mono synth that sporadically cuts out for “effect”, flat melody and perfunctory drums and bored vocals. at 1:56 it sort of becomes a song. the song part of the song is sort of dumb. if this were the ramones at the wrong speed it would be permissible, but this is not the ramones at the wrong speed. i like it, a lot, but i’m also ashamed of it. it sounds so like a sitcom themesong. good god. i’m only not-starring it so you don’t fall for it too.
3. dot-dot-dot synth. echoes and deep house effects. cool scattershot light-tapped drums. hypnotic. could have come straight off violator (depeche mode). actually, sounds a lot like “halo”... but it’s (deep breath) thom yorke. (no, it actually is, lurking grammar whores of the world.)
4. slow, deep hymnal that belongs on the lion king soundtrack. pedal piano. choral ensemble. stream train chug effect (actually, the exact noise the car crusher makes in the brave little toaster). upfront high-register soulful chick vocals. i guess this is the heir apparent to sinead o’connor?
5. mid/slow glam. light-touch fuzz keys/bells. later: warm synth. airy vocals, flat repeated-note melody. (these guys get glammier every time i listen to them.) nice build to fanfarey rock/pop (guitar solo!) in the last minute or so.
6. mid/slow. single picked oppositional acoustic guitar with audible slides. scratch-soul female vox. similar to macy gray, norah jones.
*7. groovy & infectious. shimmer chords, dancehall piano runs and carnival-like diggery bass. goth-glam backing ‘ooh’s and ‘ah’s. MAJORLY informed by oingo boingo. and, well, queen, obvs.
8. light wispy strummed guitar and nice, spare use of upbend bass. very high/airy choral-like vox. pretty. vocals can be overpowering.
9. single, slow note-at-a-time mournful guitar. upfront dylan-style vocals. caterwauling harmonica. here’s the sort of song where “you can rest assured you’re gonna live quite long” hits like a curse. not a happy tune.
*10. upbeat summery strutting classic rock (see: 1990s/Kicks). hero guitar and scratch noise. pompy drum kit. the singer sounds a fuck of a lot like damon albarn (blur, gorillaz): lazy, bored, laggy, detached/cool.
11. first five seconds review: dang, i wish this was a george michael song. well, one particular george michael song. rest of the track review: upbeat smiley-face strummed acoustic (full band sound, though) and slightly trembly folky male vox. (sea wolf are really NOT a pop band, and sound a little out of place in their own song here.)
*12. laid back timpani & strummed luau guitar & tambourine. lilty. super chill. that weird laser effect warble noise that sounds like it has a british accent (a roland jupiter-8, sayeth wikipedia). gets messy & saloon/circusy at the end.
13. ~3 sec to start. verses: downtempo acoustic guitar & tapped hi-hat & female vox. gets ambient, bellsy, shimmery, plinky, layered, huge in the chorus. very two toned -- the chorus is all grizzly bear, and the verses are all victoria legrand. that simple.
14. mid/slow. lone pedal piano. (no drums.) deep chords. stately rich male vocals. subdued yet effective build: soaring emotive vox, echoes and backing choral action. someone please explain to me how this guy can sound like sinatra and still fake-flail like ian curtis onstage. random sound of equipment clicking off in the last few seconds.
15. the score. high plinky piano. classical minor-keyed pedal-on lilter. all haunts. echoes of, of all things, the beauty and the beast theme.